The One Eyed Man is King

Welcome back children! For those of you just tuning in, I am the Doctah and it's my job to keep you fat and happy with plenty of knowledge burgers and opinion fries. I have a new, slightly more deep, topic for you kiddies. We ABSOLUTELY have to do something about not only our retarded criminal system/prisons but the executions because these are costly and completely uninteresting. George Carlin, despite not meaning a thing he said about it, had many good ideas for new styles of execution. If we randomize the executioners then we can root out the sickos that LIKE killing these people and put them right in prison along with the people they got so much joy from killing. If we keep using the same people over and over again, they will grow to get a sick pleasure from it, which they probably do in the first place.

This is by far the most hypocritical thing that our government does, dubbing one person as fit to die and the other as fit to be the executioner, especially since the executioner is in no way tied to the crime. The excuse they use is the old "Eye for an eye and the whole world is blind, and in the land of the blind the one eyed man is king" excuse but its simply someone else taking an eye for a crime. Plus, these executioners kill way more than two people so technically they are HYPER BLIND. The way I see it chidlens, is that we must completely take the government out of these executions and implement better screening to find America's truly twisted individuals, I say you start looking at Capitol Hill, Wall Street, and the motherfucking DMV because that place is the work of Satan if I have ever experienced it. Once we find these twisted individuals we name them something badass like "The Reapers" or "Uncle Sam's Justice Crew" and we allow THESE TWISTED BASTARDS instead of the ones currently being paid to knowingly kill people, to do what they have been doing from behind a desk and a cellphone for years and allow them to do it face to face with someone.

This is only the first step, after we find these brokers, congresspeople, representatives, and DMV assholes, we inform them of their duties and allow them to savor the power they have for a while by locking them deep below the Pentagon in individual holding cells for about a year apiece, you know to get them REALLY angry and also to get the sociopath's creative juices flowing if you will. Once they're sufficiently angry, and filled with murderous rage, we take a general consensus amongst them as to which form of execution would be the first televised execution, yes they would become televised! The winner of course would be the most original and the most expensive to perform, these people may be being killed but they should be allowed to go out in style, they are human after all!

The second step is initiate a search SPONSORS! And I don't mean like Anhueser-Busch (Bud, Michelob, Bacardi etc.), and the typical fastfood or automotive sponsors, we need POLITICAL SPONSORS! Say we bring back the arena, we get diplomats from different countries to endorse a certain Gladiator for so many fights, and if he continues to impress allow him privileges. This offers an incentive for "the Damned" to work together and towards the end it will turn into a total clusterfuck of anger and blood, which will be shown live on Pay-Per-View and via webcast for the low price of 75.99. Remember my darling children, people are horrible and war driven creatures and will pay ANYTHING to see a good fight, let alone someone DIE, so really you could charge anything you wanted, I was just being humble and not wanting to exploit the mass public...

How do I plan for all this to get paid for? Children, children, please have more faith in me, I am the Doctah, and I'm the best one around. The answer to where the money comes from is so very simple that I put literally NO thought into it and it's brilliant! You make toys, and by the ton! Each offender gets toys based off them and there will playsets for the different arenas or wherever the executions are performed, and allow for good old fashion family fun! Of course when a gladiator was killed in glorious bastard his figure would go up slightly in cost, and have better accessories and maybe even spit a stereotypical, he-manesque catch phrase or two, out of respect to the convict of course. Anyways, I grow tired of feeding your knowledge starved brains so I leave you with yet another "Doctah Approved" better living advice. Do your fellow man a favor and think of the craziest shit you want to do and GO FOR IT! Please don't hurt anyone though because then you're simply a part of the problem, and you're taking my advice and ranting the wrong way. Also remember this children, whether you succeed or fail, you'll get a chuckle or two and brighten peoples days, hopefully!

I Approve of This Message,

Doctah Landers